I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
