Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
