So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
