lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
