I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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