When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
