Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
