I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
