What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
