He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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