Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
