people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
