If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
