So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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