thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
