Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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