I wish I could teleport
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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