broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
