Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Even the bartender felt bad for me
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
