He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
