then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
