My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
