the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Did I show you my penis last night?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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