So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
