Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
That accounts for only three of the penises
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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