I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
