There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
