can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
