you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize