You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
