my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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