We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
