Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
