we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
