Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
