My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
