My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
