he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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