Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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