Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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