So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
