Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
