Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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