Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
