I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
