This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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