"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
