Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
