I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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