he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize