Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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