Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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