google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
