I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
