i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
it's like heaven, but drunker
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
