its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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