when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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