Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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