I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize