I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
